pinoccio adaptation

Trees Adapt to Environment EXCLUSIVE

A reader contacted tfo last week with this amazing photograph. It seems the reader was dog walking in woodland and happened upon this sight. Having a nose for a story and after days examining the picture and trying to locate expert opinion, the following was gleaned from a DEFRA insider, who would only speak if we swore to protect our source. It seems, explained our insider, this is not the first sighting of trees sprouting breathing holes in their trunk. Governments in the west, where this seems to be confined, have managed thus far to keep this under the radar. Seems the cull of the Elm, put down to Dutch Elm disease, was a ruse by western governments to keep the lid on this by getting rid of the first tree species to develop external gills.

Our insider went on to explain that trees breathe through their leaves. Chlorophyll absorbs the CO2 and uses it along with water to dissolve minerals taken up through the roots. After the chemical reaction is completed, the leaf releases oxygen and water vapour through its pores.

No one has an explanation for this new mutation, but the best guess at present suggests trees are adapting to climate change and in anticipation of their leaves withering in the heat, something that will adversely affect their ability to breath, they are growing nostrils.

A call today to the Department of Energy and Climate Change wa snot well received. A spokesperson told tfo; 'I am trying not to be too picky, but this is a nonsense, are you being serious? We take a dim view to you sniffing about in places you do not belong. It looks just like an owl if you ask me.'

TFO think this story has a lot longer to run.

sage advice

Quote from T.E Lawrence (Arabia fame), in reply to some prissy officer;

'You handle Arabs, I think, as you handle Englishmen, or Laplanders, or Czechoslovaks: Cautiously at first and kindly always'.

It would do many of us well to remember those sentiments today.

Robert Burns and Tecumseh knew that.

sage glaswegian advice

I was standing at bar of a well known Glasgow 'city centre' watering hole, minding my own business and casually watching a television programme about Scottish veterinary surgeons at work. A woman vet. is struggling to get a rather heavy looking dairy cow to roll over and not managing too well. I assume to administer some medication. In exasperation she asks, to anyone and nobody, 'How do you get an old cow on it's back?

Before one millisecond, or perhaps a nanosecond has elapsed, a sage voice, seeming to come from a group of intelligentsia at the pool table, retorts, ' offer her money, it always works for me.'

trident thought

I thought I would give the three stoogies a wee help with their script for the next live, I am sure they said it was live, televised summit debate; Instead of paying 100 million or whatever obscene amount of money it will cost to replace Trident, why don't we ask President Obama to give us some of the missiles he is to ditch. It will save us millions, we might then be able to direct some money into our failing economy. Quite simple really.

Oh, Mr President, don't listen to Gordon, we will be happy with old rusty ones, we are not going to use them anyway.